Father’s Day rolls around each year to less and less
fanfare. For Mother’s Day, we see ads for at least a week before the holiday.
For Father’s Day, we see a couple of ads on tv and in the magazines that
encourage you to buy ties, or barbeque steaks a few days before the holiday. We
all know that Father’s Day isn’t the cash cow that Mother’s Day is, but that
has a lot to do with how we view the role of a father in society today.
Fathers
have become expendable. So often, women say that they in their families they
are both father and mother. Saying this over and over is embedding a negative
thought process in our psyche. It’s saying that men are not necessary in our
families and it’s leading to something even worse- the continuation of
dysfunctional families.
Don’t
get me wrong, women have been the backbones of our family units for centuries.
But in today’s society, we must contend with the fact that not all females are
nurturers or mother material simply because they are women. There are women who
walk away from the children that they birth and even worse, there are more and
more cases of mothers killing the children that they birth. But we like to
slide that under the rug and talk about the men who are absent in our family
unit.
I’d
like to challenge your thinking and encourage you to see how necessary men are
in our families. First off, unless the sperm is present, there is no fertilizing
the egg to even have conception. Men are necessary. Yes, my hat goes off to the
women that have to raise their children alone due to death or incarceration or
simple absence of the man that took part in that conception process. But let’s
be honest. Most of the time, it’s not blindsiding you that this man left you
alone with a child. That man that left you is the same man that you chose to
sleep with. Maybe you weren’t mature enough to think about that when you slept
with him, but that no good man that you rant about is not paying you child
support, probably couldn’t keep a job before you slept with him. He just looks
less sexy now that he’s not providing for you and your child.
There
is contradiction in the way that women claim that they don’t need a man, but complain
that they want one and that there are no good ones available. Men are
necessary. Have you questioned what it is in you that only allows you to see
the men that aren’t good material? And let’s think, just because he’s not good
with you doesn’t mean he’s not a good man. It may just mean he’s not a good fit
for you.
Women
have to take responsibility as well for cleaning up the way that we view men in
society. Too many women have been raised to think that we don’t need men in
their families simply because a man was not present in theirs. But that doesn’t
mean that men are not necessary. From this mindset, we have women in confusion-
wanting a man in their lives to provide comfort, security, and love and
companionship, but not knowing how to accept a man in our lives to do so
because you don’t know what that looks like or what it feels like. This is why
so many women are experiencing failed intimate relationships.
Knowing
what a healthy relationshp looks like starts from childhood. Feeling that love
and support from a father enables you to know what to look for when you are
dating and looking for a mate. As a result of fathers not being in the home or
being absent, we have women with low self-esteem, and inflated senses of
responsibility and ego who state “I don’t need a man. I can do a man’s job” as
they sit lonely and complaining that there are no good men. Women are confused
as to why they can’t find a good man or maintain relationships or why men are
always saying that women are so angry- especially black women. It’s because of
the initial break down in our family unit. It has been drilled in our heads that
men are not necessary, but you are confused by the fact that you want one in
your life- so there goes the push and pull of contradiction. How can you
maintain a positive and healthy relationship when possibly neither you nor your
mate knows what one looks like?
Trust
me when I say that our children hear us loud and clear when they see and hear
women say that men are not necessary. For our girls, it tells them that they
are destined to live a life full of working to overcompensate for something
that is missing and that they will have to perpetually go without the
fundamentals- love and security. For our boys, it tells them that they don’t
count and that no one cares about them and that they are not capable of loving
and providing. Then we wonder why are boys are destructive and our girls are
either overly needy for a man’s attention or they are too cold to accept the
attention of a good man.
When
will things change? How can things change? If you look at most religions, there
is the pairing of male and female. In most societies, there is masculine and
feminine energy because it is meant to be a balance of both.
I
submit to you that men are more than someone to teach sports or how to fix a
car. Men are providers and as head of household, provide an amount of stability
that is balanced out by feminine energy. We have to stop speaking into the
universe that men are not needed in our families and start to view men as
necessary in our lives and homes.
I say
all of this as someone who did experience growing up without a father. My dad left
us when I was about 12. Not only did he leave my mom, but he was not physically
or emotionally there for us after leaving our home. It’s not something that I
talk about much, but it began to shape the way that I viewed the role of men in
our families. I saw my mother make it without him and I loved that strength and
I knew that women were strong and capable of anything. But I also learned that
the love that my mom had for me and my sister couldn’t replace her need for
companionship.
My paternal grandfather taught me what I
wanted to know about what it means to have a successful marriage and what to look
for in a potential husband. I don’t know what it feels like to have your father
cock the shotgun because your date shows up at your door. I’ve never had a
conversation with my father about dating or marriage. My mom talked with me
about those things, but my grandfather gave it to me from a male perspective- something
my mother could never do.
When my
husband proposed, when I told my mom, she talked to me about maintaining my independence
in the relationship as I become a wife and a mother. She taught me how to
balance my life in the midst of wearing all of those hats. What my grandfather told
me was something my mother couldn’t. My grandfather told me what a man is
supposed to bring to the table in marriage. His first question for me was, “What’s
his vice?” My answer, “Working hard.” He approved and said that meant that he
would be a man that would provide at any cost. He also told me how men view
marriage, fatherhood, and relationships and try as she might, my mother couldn’t
give me any information like that and what my grandfather told me what is
important. Men are necessary.
So, now
as a mother of both a son and a daughter, I know how important it is to have
that male influence in their lives. My husband provides the balance that is
needed in our household. I’m happy that their father is there 24/7 and takes
part in every area of their lives. I wouldn’t have it any other way. My husband
has to teach my daughter what kind of man she should date and teach my son what
kind of woman is appropriate to bring home to mama. I look forward to the day
that my husband cocks his shotgun and scares the living daylights out of some poor
little boy.
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